There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he’s a college professor.
There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who liver on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin’
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she’d never benzene
I’ve been studying all night and I’m tired,
But I can’t sleep because I’m so wired.
So I’ll play on the net
‘Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.
There once was a young man of Trinity
Who found the root infinity.
But the digits
Gave him infinite fidgits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.
Now if V over P be inverted
And the root of P be inserted
X times into V
The result, QED
Is a relative, Einstein asserted.
There once was a guy named Bret,
Who went on the INTERNET,
And sent an e-mail
to his beloved female
Who never loved him, yet.
A man called Fiddle,you see,
Was a student of divinity.
“When I graduate
‘Twill be my poor fate
To be known as Fiddle D.D.!”
Two polynomials walk into a bar. The bartender, a derivative, asks them, “Can I take your order?”
The polynomials run out screaming, “Help! The bartender threatened to kill me!”
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.”
So the bartender says, “All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?”
The dog says, “34.”
“Wow,” says the bartender and hands over the $5 note.
Then the man says to the bartender, “Don’t let my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.” He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he’s in the toilet.
The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, “If you’re so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet. He asks the bartender where the dog is.
The bartender says, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”
The man if very upset that the bartender let the dog leave. He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You’ve never done this before.”
The dog says, “I’ve never had $5 before either.”
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, “How much is two plus two?” Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, “How much is two plus two?” The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, “How much do you want it to be?”