medical

But I know this is not my seat

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the crowded movie theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed to occupy one seat.”  The man groaned but didn’t budge an inch.

The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned which infuriated the usher who turned on his heels and stomped briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.  The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” asked the policeman.

With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

Dr. Kevorkian(the Suicide Doctor) Jokes

Dr. Kevorkian mugshotA collection of Dr. Kevorkian jokes.  God rest his soul…

Stand up Comedy Quotes

Dr. Kevorkian.  We called him a ‘suicide doctor’? That’s like calling a fireman a ‘pyromaniac fireman.’

 

So what’s malpractice for Dr. Kevorkian? You live?

 

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)

 

Jack Kevorkian once said, “The pay is okay, but the work is murder…”

 

Kevorkian Pick-up Lines

Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Pick-up Lines

10. The papers call me ‘Dr. Death,’ but the ladies call me ‘Dr. Love’

9. Can I buy you a cyanide margarita?

8. You are drop-dead gorgeous!

7. I have needs that can’t be met by killing people in the back of my van

6. Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson

5. You’ll never go out with anyone else again

4. My friends say I look like Brad Pitt — but the probably just say that so I don’t kill them

3. If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates

2. In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot

1. How about a non-lethal injection?

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?

A: To help the patient find the other side.

 

Bumper Stickers

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician!

Dr. Jack died doing what he loved the most- dying.

 

In the News

Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.

 

I heard this on WBCN (Boston) radio last night:  Jack Kevorkian now want’s a gun permit, do you know what this means?  The drive-through is now open.

 

Funny patient response to doctor threat of $50 charge for no show appointment

We’ve all heard this before.  Some medical establishments charge a fee if you miss or cancel an appointment.  In this case, the patient received a letter informing them that they had an upcoming appointment and would be charged $50 if they did not show up.  Seeing that the patient never made the appointment in the first place, he cleverly turns the tables on the doctor’s office in this humorous response.

Click graphic for full-size view.

Funny patient letter to doctor in response to threat of charging fee for missing appointment
Funny patient letter to doctor in response to threat of charging fee for missing appointment

I couldn’t walk for a year after my operation

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

Hillbilly Medical Dictionary

Hillbilly medical definitions:

Benign…………………What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria……………….Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………………What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section………..A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan………………..Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize………………Made eye contact with her.

Colic………………….A sheep dog.

Coma…………………..A punctuation mark.

D&C……………………Where Washington is.

Dilate…………………To live long.

Enema………………….Not a friend.

Fester…………………Quicker than someone else.

Fibula…………………A small lie.

G.I.Series……………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail……………….What you hang your coat on.

Impotent……………….Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain……………..Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff…………..A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid…………………A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates……………….Cheaper than day rates.

Node…………………..I knew it.

Outpatient……………..A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear………………A fatherhood test.

Pelvis…………………Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative………….A letter carrier.

Recovery Room…………..Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………………Damn near killed him.

Secretion………………Hiding something

Seizure………………..Roman emperor.

Tablet…………………A small table.

Terminal Illness………..Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor………………….More than one.

Urine………………….Opposite of mine.

Varicose……………….Near by/close by.

Top 14 Viruses to be on the Lookout For

Be On The Lookout For The Following New Viruses

  1. CLINTON VIRUS – Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
  2. VIAGRA VIRUS – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
  3. LEWINSKY VIRUS – Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
  4. RONALD REAGAN VIRUS – Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
  5. MIKE TYSON VIRUS – Quits after two bytes.
  6. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS – Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
  7. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS – Deletes all old files.
  8. ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS – Disks can no longer be inserted.
  9. TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) – Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).
  10. DISNEY VIRUS – Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
  11. PROZAC VIRUS – Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
  12. JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS – Only attacks minor files.
  13. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
  14. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS – Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
© 2023 Funny Grins • Powered by