Men are Like…

Common objects that are very similar to men.

… Blenders.

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.

You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.

They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.

They take way too long to mature.

… Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Parking Spots.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

… Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Snappy Answers to Men’s Stupid Questions

Women see the same stupid questions from men all the time.  Below are snappy answers to those stupid questions men all-so-often ask.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

 

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”

Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

 

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”

Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

 

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”

Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

 

Mr. Right Rejection Letter

Print, save, and reuse as needed.  The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter.

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.

Advice to Daughters Regarding Men

Here are 15 things regarding men you should make sure you warn your daughter about.

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal…

Man Q&A

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

 

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

 

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

 

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

 

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

 

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

 

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

 

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

 

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.

 

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

 

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

 

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

 

Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

 

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

 

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

 

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

 

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

 

What’s the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

 

What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.

 

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?

“My wife says…”

 

What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

 

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

Because they’re all pigs.

 

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn’t want any advice.

 

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

 

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

 

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

 

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

 

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

 

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.