The ugly baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

 

Man, that was one delicious leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.   He took his faithful dog along for company.  One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.  So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.  The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.”  Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard.   I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close.  That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes.   But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?”   But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet.   And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey.  I just can never trust him.  I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

A Monkey Can Do It

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display.  While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”. The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side.  He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000”.  The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey.  Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.  Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks around for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own.  The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it does anything, but it says it’s a Consultant.”

Lab Monkey in the Wild

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.

“What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.”

The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why?  We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”