Funny Quickies

They had to shoot my dog.
Was he mad?
Well, he wasn’t happy about it.

Waiter, how do you prepare your chickens?
Well, we don’t do much; just tell ’em they’re gonna die.

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a bass guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Three men walked into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
“Dam.”

What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on you, it would kill you?
A pool table.

I ran over my dog’s tail with my mower. He looked bad, so I decided to sell him. I had to sell him wholesale, because I couldn’t retail him.

A woman stops another woman on the street.
“Say, you look like Helen Green.”
“Well, I don’t much like your outfit either.”

A termite jumps on the bar and yells, “Hey, where’s the bar tender?”

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra…

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says “How do you drive this thing?”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I rang up my telephone company, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “No, not you again.”

A battery starter jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but you’d better not start anything.”

Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

A seal walks into a club…