Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a home. He spots a stereo system that looks good so he grabs it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.

He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What the hell was that?”. He spots some money lying on a table so he grabs it and stuffs it in his pocket.  Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.

He ducks in a corner and looks around the room trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.

The parrot says “YES”.

The burglar then asks, “What’s your name?”.

The parrot says “MOSES”.

The burglar laughs and says ” What kind of person names his bird moses??”

The parrot replies “The same kind of person that would name their Rotweiler Jesus”.

The Heckling Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started heckling the magician in the middle of each show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” he’d shout.  “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; after all, it was the captain’s parrot.  One day the ship ran into trouble and sank.  The magician found himself clinging to a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.  They stared at each other with hate, but neither uttered a word.  This went for a day and another and then another.  Afer three days, the parrot finally spoke: “Okay, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

I’m Gonna Freeze the Attitude Out of That Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.   Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.  Noting worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then suddenly there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”