Tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humouring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the butt on the back of the horse, instead of on top.”

 

I thought you said no one was available

In the news, man finds an ingenious way to get the cops to his house – quickly…

 

I thought you said no one was available
I thought you said no one was available

 

The text of the newspaper article reads:

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.  I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. T hey said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.  A minute later I rang again.  “Hello,” I said, “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cards in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit.  They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said you’d shot them?”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no on available.”

I Recognize You by your Uniform

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.  Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.   She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?!”

Polish Death by What?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.  The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”

“No.”

” Then why in God’s name did you think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me.”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.   The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh.  The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny?  Can’t you see the label on the bottle says `Polish Remover’?”

The Red, Yellow and Blue Jerks of the Highway

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of the highway and gestures for him to stop. He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”

With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away.

Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.

In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop, no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Top 10 Police Quotes

Top 10 police quotes

  1. “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
  2. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  3. “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
  4. “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
  5. “Warning! You want a warning? Ok, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  6. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not – was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
  7. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  8. “Life’s tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
  9. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
  10. “Just how big were those two beers?

Anyone seen my watch?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic.  All you care about is your possessions.  I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”