The Pope’s golf challenge – which religion is the best

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “We’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres … We can’t lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

The Know it all Barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.  He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.  You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply.  “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber.  “That’s a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump!  That’s the worst hotel in the city.  The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.  So, what are you going to do when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.   You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.  The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel-it was great!  They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the ugly haircut?

The Pope’s first time driving

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he’s very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the driver’s seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I’m so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I’d like to take the car for a drive. I’m the Pope, and everything is done for me. I’ve never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: Certainly, Your Holiness. Let me assist.

Pope: No. Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.

The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, he is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver’s window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser.

Immediately, the policeman grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is State Trooper Wilson. I’ve just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don’t know what to do.

Governor: Wilson, who could you possibly have pulled over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he’s sitting in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

Earl knows everyone

Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Earl’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Earl that he thinks Earl’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Earl says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Earl says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Earl on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, “Earl, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Earl, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Earl. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Earl and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Earl says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what: I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Earl emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Earl returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Earl asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Earl?”