Funny Will Rogers Political Quotes

An awful lot of people are predicting the president’s downfall — not only predicting but praying. We are a funny people. We elect our President, be they Republicans or Democrats, and then go home and start daring them to make good.

Congress meets tomorrow morning. Let us all pray: Oh Lord , give us strength to bear that which is about to be inflicted upon us. Be merciful with them oh Lord, for they know not what they’re doing. Amen.

We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, and we are howling like a pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn’t have to pay the fiddler.

Live your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

The President business is a pretty thankless job. Washington, or Lincoln either, didn’t get a statue until everybody was sure they was dead.

This country has been continually blessed with some fine women in the White House. Some of the men might have been able to stand a little overhauling, but there has never been a chirp of regret out of anyone about the female occupants.

In this country people don’t vote for — they vote against. You know that.

We get pretty excited over politics, and pretty soon it’s all over, and we settle down to cussing the guy we just elected. It seems like we can’t get a man that can take care of all of us after he gets in office.

Elections are really a good deal like marriages, there’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time you see a bridegroom, we wonder why she picked him, and it’s the same with public officials.

Funny Churchill and George Bernard Shaw Telegrams

Winston Churchill was renowned for his witty sense of humor and George Bernard Shaw was no slouch in that department either.  George Bernard Shaw playfully telegrammed Winston Churchill just prior to the opening of his new play, Major Barbara, offering Churchill tickets to the show.  The telegrams went as follows:

Shaw to Churchill: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

Churchill’s response: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

 

Words of wisdom from the Zen Master

A Few Moments Of Zen…..

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either.  Just leave me the hell alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  3. It’s always darkest before dawn.  So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable.  If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. No one is listening until you pass gas.
  6. Always remember you’re unique.  Just like everyone else.
  7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
  18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  20. The quickest way to double your money is too old it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  23. Duct tape is like the Force.  It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  24. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.
  25. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  26. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  28. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt…then things get worse.

Funny Bumper Stickers and T-Shirt Slogans

The following are a collection of funny quotes taken straight from car bumper stickers.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

No, I wasn’t playing Devil’s Advocate.  I really think your idea is stupid.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.

Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?

He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.

This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.

I bet you get bullied a lot.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.

I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

I like you.  People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck.  Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.

I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.

If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She’s the first in her family born without tail.

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?

You are not even beneath my contempt.

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.

Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.

You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.

Wise Saying for not so Wise People

The following are wise sayings from Funny Grins’ very own Jokester.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

Famous Funny Quotes

“You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneris

“I’m not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer

“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.” – Shelley Berman

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” – Billiam Coronel

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Dave Edison

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.”- Steve Bluestone

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”  – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill