Redneck logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.   The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck.

The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” ”

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae!   This is incredible!”  The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right!  Why, that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard!   I can’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“Gay boy!”

Redneck Stories

How do you know when you’re staying in an Alabama hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.  He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”  The driver says, “Bout what?”

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?  She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.  Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”  The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”  There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How `bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

A new law recently passed in Alabama:  When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.

Redneck Questions and Answers

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Alabama?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a `possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have possum on the half shell.

 

Redneck Driver’s Application

Redneck Driver’s License Application…

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________ Lover’s Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________ Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don’t know

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.