A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear”, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, “I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.”
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, “Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?”
The husband replies, “No. I’m turning the off the heat.”
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”
“Yes, I am,” said the officer.
“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?!”
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I’m sorry = You will be sorry……..
We need = I want.
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk= I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?”
The gene laughed a replied, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete….How much steel!!!! You have to be realistic. No, think of another wish.”
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To know why they are crying. To know what they want when they say ‘nothing’….”
The gene replies “you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh