God, please help me find a parking spot

A man is harried, frantic, and nervous.  He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.

In desperation, he looks to the heavens and pleads “God, if you will give me a parking spot right now, I promise, I’ll give up drinking forever.”

Just then, a parking spot opens up right in front of him.  He looks back up to God and says “nevermind, found one.”

Funny you should come to me about this

A Jewish man was deeply troubled by the way his son had turned out.  He went to see his local Rabbi about it.

“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah.  It cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you, I, too, raised my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, only to have him come to me one day and tell me he has decided to become a Chrsitian.”

“What did you do?” Asked the lawyer.

“I turned to God for the answer, of course,” replied the Rabbi.

“And what did he say?”

He said, “Funny you should come to me…”

Religion and God Limericks

There was a young man who said, God

Must think it exceedingly odd

If he finds that this tree

Continues to be

When there’s no one about in the Quad.

Dear Sir:

Your astonishment’s odd:

I am always about in the Quad.

And that’s why the tree

Will continue to be,

Since observed by

Yours Faithfully,


There once was a demon named Bob

Who was contented to plunder and rob

He shot out lost souls

Through tiny nose holes

For that was his long-lasting job.

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior

“Your singing is quite inferior!”

She,not to be crass,

did show some real class

Said,”You can kiss my posterior!”


Did you say you were a Prostitute?

Michael O’Rourke brought his fiancée to Ireland to meet his mother, telling her to answer all of her future mother- in-law’s questions honestly regardless of what they were.

“Cheryl my dear what kind of work did you do in London?”

“Well Mrs. O’Rourke, I was a prostitute”.

“Holy Mary, Mother of God, did you say you were a Protestant?”

“No, Mrs. O’Rourke I said prostitute”.

“God bless you my child, welcome to the family”.

The Preacher Should be Punished for Playing Golf on Sunday

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away.  It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.  The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.  The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.  He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.  Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went to the Lord and said, “Look at the preacher.  He should be punished for what he is doing.”  The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole.  He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away.  A picture perfect hole-in-one.  He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.  He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

The Lord smiled.  “Think about it- who can he tell?”

The Biggest Lie Wins the Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I would never tell a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”