After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION – WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!"
Patti Barber, Office Supervisor I Accounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?”
Man: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.
I want you to be happy.”
Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked. It’s a beautiful silver.”
Man: “How much?”
Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Woman:”Great! Oh, and just one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
Man: “Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000.”
Woman: “Okay. Thank you darling — you’re wonderful! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Bye, I love you too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”