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… really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.

… really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.

… really wishes she could but, I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

… really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

… really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.

… really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

… really wishes she could but, I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

… really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.

… really wishes she could but, I’m worried about my vertical hold.

… really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.

… really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

… really wishes she could but, I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

… really wishes she could but, I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

… really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.

… really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.

… really wishes she could but, I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

… really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

… really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can’t put it down.

… really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

… really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

 

… lives vicariously… through himself.

… once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

… ‘s reputation is expanding faster than the universe.

… is the most interesting man in the world.

… can speak French in Russian..

… is writing a paper called “Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection”

… is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

… notices that the longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and have only wasted my time debating any issue.

… is so amazing that if I went to a bar… I’d pick myself up!

… understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

… thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

… is just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

… sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

… pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

… thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

… thinks work is for people who don’t know how to fish!

… just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

… is thinking that this isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

… ‘s co-workers think he’s a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

… says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn’t say touch your nose.

… smells better than he tastes

… often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.

… has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?

… is modest and proud of it!

… says I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I’m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.

… had a brief but terrifying bout of sanity, but everything is back to normal now.

… is on strike! she will not be talking to anyone, until her demands are met. she wants a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk

… is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom…I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe…now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself……

Don’t you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

… is not scared of heights…. just widths!!!!

… is your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s sister’s uncle’s brother’s friend’s second cousin’s former roommate on your mothers side.

… is trying to stop being indecisive, but is not sure about it…

… has THOUGHT about getting out of bed… still thinking, still thinking…

… says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I’m just being paranoid.

I Don’t Like to Hear Myself Think!

… is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

… wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.’

… feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

… used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

… dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

… is cle’a]ni.ng he’r ke]yb29oa;rd

… is wondering why his daughter’s diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

… is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

… is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

… is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'”

… is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

… is writing his final paper called “The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won’t Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum”

… doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it.

… is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

… thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.

How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.

… reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.

… , my friends, is indeed…. THAT man.

… ‘s charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.

… ‘s legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.

… was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them

… is a lover not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter so don’t get any ideas.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.

I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…

… never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”

… used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

… knows she’s bored when she has thoughts of what the cat would look like shaved !!

… is normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

… is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute

… would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

… is trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.

I’m actually quite pleasant until I’m awake

… is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?

… is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

… is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

… is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

… is interrupting Patrick Swayze’s death to say that Michael Jackson’s death was better.

… finds himself screaming for JOY when he sees himself in the mirror.

… thinking its funny how,When people talk to God, it’s called prayer. When God talks back, it’s called schizophrenia !!!

… will not be responsible for her actions if she doesn’t get some chocolate soon

Good morning…I see the assassins have failed.

… is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

People reckon I’m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

… is playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts

… says why is it that whenever there’s two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

… is pretending that she doesn’t exist

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

… says people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

Apparently you have been misinformed, because the ONLY advantage you have over me is… you can “kiss my ass” and I cant…

… wonders if there is a cure for “dumbassness” if so, I know a few people who need a dose.

… was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent

… is insanely mad… IF SOMEBODY SENDS ME ONE MORE FARMVILLE INVITE THEN I WILL KILL YOU’RE ANIMALS AND SET FIRE TO YOUR CROPS!!!!!!!!!

… says If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

All I heard was “I swear it’ll be funny” and then we were in jail.

“I like big butts and I can not lie.” – Some homeless guy sifting through an ashtray. —

I don’t mind coming to work but this 8 hour wait to go home is BS.

Need to file the baby’s fingernails more.  She keeps cutting her face.  People giving me funny looks.  I’d tell them the truth but then I’d be breaking the first rule of Baby Fight Club.

When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, “This may be the alcohol talking, but…” Trust me on this one.

If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven’t met enough people.

When I finally break up with my boyfriend I’m just going to yell “UNFOLLOW” and then walk away

Grandma, the words are very similar, but you “butt dialed” me. You didn’t booty call me.

Two Great Rules of Life  1. Never tell everything at once.

I like to write “Wake Up” on my To-Do list so I can start the day off accomplishing something.

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to “make good choices”.

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

… is thinking about doing something! Now just got to think what that something will be!!!

You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture

… doesn’t understand what the fascination is with Camping…You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you’re Homeless

… thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

Hi. I am online right now. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t reply, it’s you.

When I was a kid we didn’t add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like crap but we liked it because we liked being not dead.

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.

Whenever I’m feeling hopeful for future generations, I squelch it by watching my children move their heads instead of their toothbrushes.

So how are you getting home this New Years? Police car or Ambulance?

I offered him a virgin margarita and he said he’d rather have a pro.

okay but when you get home you better call me… idk how were gunna get her pants off the telephone pole.

Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy’s motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she’s using you.

If my wife ends an argument with “Fine, do what you want!” I’m pretty sure the words “If you do, I’ll stab you in your sleep” are implied.

Had my son’s hearing tested because he’s always yelling. Turns out he’s just an asshole 🙁

 

If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!

I don’t know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse… this can not be good

Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire.

No I didn’t trip… The floor looked like it needed a hug.

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot girl in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you. —

… ‘s shadow froze to the ground today. Damn it’s cooooold!

… thinks it’s dangerous to use metal utensils when it’s this cold.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

… just farted and it froze. Damn it’s coooold!

… knows it’s cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

Sometimes, not remembering may be the better.

My computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I am color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.

Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Yeah, Haley is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.

Slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

… is wondering if you choke a smurf… what color would he turn?

… hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn’t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo.

Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.

I am so proud of myself.  I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.

… thinks he might be addicted to twitter and alcohol since, he created a Twitter account just to follow the updates of various bars for their specials

… thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money

Dear Santa, let me explain…

My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, she said erect.

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

… might be addicted to eBay considering he just spent 6 hours trying to burn the face of Jesus into his toast

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

… never makes stupid mistakes ….. only very clever ones …..

… gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

John thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.

Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?

Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

What has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA

John is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..

… had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.

… went to work with a toaster in his pants it was so cooooold.

… has one word for how cold it is… “peecicle”.

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

… thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

… thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

… is getting that Deja Fu feeling… That that somehow, somewhere, he’s been kicked in the head like this before.

… knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy — in a jar on my desk.

… is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

… believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!

… wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

… says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

… will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

… is reading his friends’ statuses and adding ‘in bed’ to the end of each one.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

I am the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.

John went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

… thinks reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

… thinks he might be addicted to Facebook because he’s seeing a lot of random people around the city, that he’s already seen on Facebook.

Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.

I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go .

… remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

20/20 hearing!

… is huked on fonics.

… needs blood in his caffeine system

… would quit smoking but it’s better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish and worry about my lungs

… loves cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

… hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

… says “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!”

… thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.

… may kill you in the morning.

… reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that’s wrong. I win…always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!

… thinks it’s impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!

… was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

… is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

… didn’t mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

… is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

… would like you to give him back that filet o’ fish! Give me that fish!

… is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

… is very very very slee

… is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!

… is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an “i” before Apple does it… such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set…

Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes… Casual Fridays here I come!

… is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter

… is bringing sexy back… to the store for a refund!

… is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB

… is the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctiona

… knows it’s cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.

… chipped his tooth on his soup… Damn it’s cooooold!

Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? ………You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like! Anything is possible when your Facebook status looks like this one…

… says finally an iPhone killer… Your left hand!

… says Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. I’m on a horse.

… sometimes runs up to strangers on the street and yells “YOU’RE IT!!” and then runs away.

… is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn’t surprising really, since it isn’t my birthday.… not only had to take his mom to the prom.. he had to pay her $20…

… has breaking news.. many iPhone4 users are irate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple’s iDon’tcare.

… notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.

… is reflecting that the cost of living hasn’t affected it’s popularity.

… wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

… thinks it’s odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they’re beautiful animals. Hmmm…. I think my wife is beautiful.