Don’t step on the ducks

Three women die together in an automobile accident and go to heaven.  When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. And although they try their best to avoid them, one of the women accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.” The next day, a second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together, too.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, But I stepped on a duck.”

The ugly baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”