Oh why did you have to leave me?

A man is visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother.  He places the flowers on the grave and is walking back towards his car when he notices another man kneeling at a grave.  The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and repeating, “Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?”

The first man was touched and decided to approach him.  “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever encountered before.  For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Get me a drink before it starts

A man arrives at his home after an exhausting day at work.  He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a drink before it starts.” The wife rolls her eyes, sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another drink before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another drink and slams it down on the table next to him.

The man finishes that dring and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another drink, it’s going to start any minute.”

By this time, the wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink and sit on your lazy butt in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”



I don’t buy that excuse for you being late

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time this month and found the boss waiting for him at his desk.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” the boss asked while dripping sarcasm. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.  The wife decided to drive me to the station.  She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river.  I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockette dancers.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Excuse for traffic citation

A man going through his mid-life crisis purchased a brand new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the wind was blowing through what was left of his hair, and feeling spry, he decided to see how fast this new baby could go.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100…. then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the heck am I doing?  I could go to jail over this.” he thought.

He slowed down the car and pulled over.  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and I don’t much feel like doing any paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your hazardous driving that I haven’t heard before, I will let you go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Airline introduces half-price fare for wives of businessmen

A popular airline recently introduced a new special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great success and feedback from their marketing promotion, the airline sent out letters to wives of all the businessmen who had used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

The airline is befuddled from the hundreds of responses they received from the wives asking, “What trip?”


Yes sir, I’ve been telling him to slow down for miles

A man and his wife were driving down the road when a cop turns on his lights and  pulls them over.  The cop leans into the window and says to the man, “Sir, did you know that you were speeding?”

The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.”

The man’s wife leans over and yells, “Yes you did.  You knew you were speeding.  I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.”

“SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quiet.”

The cop says, “Well, since I’ve got you pulled over, did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?”

“No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that”

“WHATEVER!”, his wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go renew that tag for two whole months now!”

“Shut up” the man yells to his wife again!  “Sit back and shut the hell up.  Mind your own damn business!”

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car, leans in, and asks her, “Does your husband always talk to you this way?”

“No” she replies solemnly, ” Only when he’s been drinking!”


Polish Death by What?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.  The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”


” Then why in God’s name did you think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me.”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.   The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh.  The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny?  Can’t you see the label on the bottle says `Polish Remover’?”

Spend Time with Wife or Mistress?

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”


Engineer: “Yeah.   If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”

It Takes a Woman to be a CIA Agent

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.   After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.  The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances” they explained.   “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well”, says the CIA man, “You’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man.  “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife.   I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes.   Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test.   Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door.   Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.  One shot after another for 14 shots.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.  The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.   She wiped the sweat from her brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!”