Beer Turns Men into Women

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their alcohol consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.  The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.  It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

The Difference in Dogs and Women

We love ’em both.  One is Man’s best friend and the other is, well…  Here’s the subtle differences between dogs and women.

  1. Dogs don’t cry.
  2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  3. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  4. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  5. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  6. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  7. Dogs are excited by rough play.
  8. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  9. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  10. Dogs don’t shop.
  11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  12. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
  13. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  14. A dog’s parents never visit.
  15. Dogs love long car trips.
  16. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  17. Dogs like beer.
  18. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
  19. Dogs never criticize.
  20. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  21. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  22. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  23. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  24. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hour a day.
  25. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelery.
  26. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
  27. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  28. Dogs can’t talk.
  29. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

What Women Really Mean

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I’m sorry = You will be sorry……..

We need = I want.

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk= I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

My Wish to Understand Women

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.  The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three.  You only get one wish.”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick.  So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?”

The gene laughed a replied, “That’s impossible.  Think of the logistics of that.  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete….How much steel!!!!  You have to be realistic.  No, think of another wish.”

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish.  He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times.  My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  I wish that I could understand women.  To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment.  To know why they are crying.  To know what they want when they say ‘nothing’….”

The gene replies “you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

  1. You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked
  2. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you’re on the road
  3. Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
  4. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
  5. A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  6. A handgun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
  7. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.