What Women Really Mean

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I’m sorry = You will be sorry……..

We need = I want.

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk= I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

My Wish to Understand Women

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.  The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three.  You only get one wish.”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick.  So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?”

The gene laughed a replied, “That’s impossible.  Think of the logistics of that.  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete….How much steel!!!!  You have to be realistic.  No, think of another wish.”

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish.  He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times.  My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  I wish that I could understand women.  To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment.  To know why they are crying.  To know what they want when they say ‘nothing’….”

The gene replies “you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

  1. You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked
  2. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you’re on the road
  3. Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
  4. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
  5. A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  6. A handgun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
  7. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Things Women say that Drive Men Crazy

Here’s a look at 10 things women say that drive men nuts.

1) “That looks cute.”

For the most part, men hate cute. We don’t want to hear about it, we don’t want to see it, and we sure as hell don’t want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there’s a 100 percent chance we’re changing. We’re supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

2) “We need to talk.”

These four words shut off a man’s brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

3) “It’s just a game.”

Actually, it’s not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it’s life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn’t make sense, but you should be happy that we’re that passionate about something. Telling us that “it’s just a game” is like us telling you that Oprah’s just a talk show host.

4) “Nothing’s wrong.”

Please don’t tell us nothing’s wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We’re not mind readers; tell us what’s going on. And don’t make us guess because—believe me—you won’t like what we come up with.

5) “I sound like my mom.”

The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don’t say it, even in jest—it’s not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying “every woman ends up looking like their mother” is an old wives’ tale. If we didn’t, no one would ever get married.

6) “I just want to be friends.”

No you don’t. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don’t prolong the agony. Most of us take “I just want to be friends” as “There’s still a chance,” so if there isn’t just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.

7) “Size doesn’t matter.”

Don’t lie to us. We know it does, and we’re doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It’s best just to not say anything at all.

8) “What are you wearing?”

We’re wearing whatever’s clean or whatever you tell us to. We don’t plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

9) “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it’s best to just pretend nothing happened.

10) “Which outfit do you like better?”

I’m going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They’re going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.

The Husband Store for Impossible Women

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”  So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

My Time is up When?

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?  Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”